


Courageous Choices

by Little Grey Gargoyle (silasfinch)



Series: Our Choices [2]
Category: Bodyguard (TV 2018)
Genre: Age Difference, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Gen, Injury Recovery, Late Night Conversations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-10-01 04:05:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17237090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silasfinch/pseuds/Little%20Grey%20Gargoyle
Summary: Julia is still recovering in France and together she and David confront the past and contemplate the future. A first date happens."Why did you make that first approach, surely you knew the risks of getting involved with someone on the payroll, let alone my catalogue of unsuitable characteristics?""Are you fishing for compliments, Sergent Budd?""Hardly, if you start 	talking about irresistible chemistry and the soul I might just ask for another brain scan." David softens the blow by feeding her the last macaron.





	Courageous Choices

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Bexinthecity247](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bexinthecity247/gifts).



  
_“Hope” is the thing with feathers -_  
_That perches in the soul -_  
_And sings the tune without the words -_  
_And never stops - at all -_

 _And sweetest - in the Gale - is heard -_  
_And sore must be the storm -_  
_That could abash the little Bird_  
_That kept so many warm -_

 _I’ve heard it in the chillest land -_  
_And on the strangest Sea -_  
_Yet - never - in Extremity,_  
_It asked a crumb - of me._

_“Hope” is the thing with feathers- Emily Dickson._

  
"How far would you have gone in service to your idealism?"

This question isn't an easy one for David Budd to answer not one Julia still looks so vulnerable in the hospital bed. Her voice is weak and shaky, so unlike the professional oratory of the past. The statement demands absolute honesty, no matter how painful. If they were ever going to make a go of an actual relationship beyond sex and adrenaline hard conversations had to come first. There is no time like the present even if Julia is still governed by pain medication and sleep cycles. 

"I don't know. I want to tell you that counselling, more sleep and a better diet makes me more rational, but the truth is I couldn't tell you what morality lines I hold scared anymore. It took meeting you to realise how one dimensional my views were - Nadia Ali wasn't entirely wrong when she said how blind we all were"

"I hardly made a good first impression- stone call bitch publically castigating an employee."

"Your second and third were fairly memorable as I recall and you made me feel connected and grounded to the present moment for the first time in a long while."

It isn't a proper answer but its the most truthful he can give in this strange twilight zone they find themselves in. Perhaps counselling will bring everything into better focus. Honesty is the most critical point even if the result is unsatisfying. David didn't like the person that circumstances moulded him into, especially his relationship with Julia.

"I should have told you about the recordings and my suspicions."

"Yes, you should have unfortunate things were set in motion as a result but whose to say that they wouldn't happen anyway? The Butterfly Effect is an overrated concept. If anybody understands the value of information and brokering the asset carefully its a Tory Home Secretary."

***  
"Why did you make that first approach, surely you knew the risks of getting involved with someone on the payroll, let alone my catalogue of unsuitable characteristics?"

"Are you fishing for compliments, Sergent Budd?"

"Hardly, if you start talking about irresistible chemistry and the soul I might just ask for another brain scan." David softens the blow by feeding her the last macaron.

Julia barks a laugh in between the repetitive leg exercises as she formulates a response that is both playful and serious. It still surprises her that they laugh and joke more than argue and debate fundamental philosophical differences.

"Desperation I'm afraid. Rob was spending weeks giving me caf eyes; you were a man who was willing to look at me without living out some powerful woman complex or relive mummy issues. Sometimes I did feel like the bloody queen with how little people were willing to touch me anymore."

"Emergency Sex"

"Excuse me?" Julia raises an eyebrow sharply 

"It's a term that people in war zones sometimes use to describe sex and other life-affirming measures people take to reassure themselves they are alive" David explains.

"Its fits but my plan for a gratifying shag with my handsome bodyguard quickly escalated beyond my control. I wanted to learn about you and how you thought almost as much as our time in bed."

"If its any consolation your appearance of control put a commanding officer to shame, even after you so firsthand how bad my PTSD could get. You still believed I could do my job, all evidence to the contrary."

"Truthfully I was entirely selfish- even though I knew your political leanings and fighting for you was wrong, nobody else made me feel safe in the face of attempted assassination attempts and political coup."

One of the best things about this time together and why Julia argued with Anne, so fiercely is that she needs to feel safe now. For whatever reason David finds the same solace in a woman her colleagues call as warm as Siberia during a freeze.

"We can be safe together and gain far too much weight into authentic French baking and doing nothing more physical than walks in the garden" David declares with a smile.

  
***

"It frightens me how fragile and illusionary my power and status truly were"

David looks up from the book he is only half reading. Their evening routine is very mellow were the most strenuous activity they are allowed to engage in is a variety of board games. The staff do not interfere in David's recovery, but neither are the unaware of the events in London and who the former army officer is in a broader context. It wouldn't be surprising if French intelligence briefed the CEO. People are subtly watching out for his safety as well.

"I spent my whole life at the best schools with every door opened to me. I smashed the proverbial glass ceiling and demanded respect. My expectations were never any different. All it took were a few bribes and information brokering for me to become nothing but a pawn dancing on a mad chessboard" Julia muses darkly.

"Its the opposite for me. I've never had any real power or expectations. Medical school was far off fantasy with no chance of coming true. A succession of command structures dominated my life right from primary school. It is frightening me how easily power seduced me into thinking I was the lynchpin in stopping the conspiracy and being a champion of truth" David muses.

  
"How did you deal with the conflict every day? Between what was happening with us and what you were being asked to do?"

"I didn't, at least not well. In reality, I was a living cliche of what return soldiers become from nightmares to destructive relationships. The manipulation of Caddock and the others happened so easy because I was looking for a focus without going terroristic extremes. - any good soldier is taught to compartmentalise it turns out that my walls consist of quicksand in the end" David offers with a weary half-smile.

"In a way though I still split you into two people. During the daytime, you were a political figurehead ramping up support for legislation I dispised, complete with backroom dealings and blackmail. By night you were Julia the first woman I found fascinating since my marriage fell apart. A dangerous combination when mixed with crime lords, corrupt cops and politics."

  
"I had the same problem - drowning in conflicting desires, expect you were like a comit disrupting my orded night sky or some other metaphor for beautiful chaos. English is one of my weaker grades" Julia offers

"Low A then?"

Please tell me about your experiences and the price the army pays. Your perspective as a soldier is essential, irrespective of how far about our original ideologies are" Julia insists tunnel vision was her nearly fatal mistake.

"I will but not tonight. We both need to rest and not antagonise Dr Lee any further by breaking curfew.

  
David gently sits on the bed and turns out the light; some conversations are best in the dark, but it won't be tonight; Julia has a long day of strengthing ahead. She sleeps better if he holds her hand and croons offkey before the nightmares take hold.

The stories will keep for another day; time is no longer a luxury.

  
***

They are ridiculously shy with each other.

In practical terms, the couple is impossibly intimate. David is perfectly willing to assume of the role of caregiver, from medication schedules to easing leg cramps and nerve pain. At first, Julia is too weak to protest the intrusion, and later there is no else she trusts to see her in a compromised position, especially when the nursing staff changes frequently. The Montague ancestors would reel in horror at the vulnerability. When they were married, she and Rodger kept a firm no germ policy to avoid each other sick and disrupting daunting workloads.

At the same time sitting in a small cafe on a rare afternoon outside the hospital grounds feels daunting. David is holding her hand as if they are any other couple and yet she doesn't even know his favourite singer or movie title.

"I feel like a teenager on my first date struggling for a topic of conversation, wanting to appear sophisticated and charming" Julia confesses with a self-conscious tug at the too loose tee shirt.

"What was the first date like for the pride of the Montague family?" David asks curiously

"Dreadfully boring - the son of a family friend I was supposed to marry and you?"

"The girl from across the street you liked my best friend. Let's play one of those question games- desert island music and such like." he offers eagerly.

"What superpower would you want for a day" - predictably Julia wants the ability to read minds or fly.

"Who would you have at your dream dinner party - David almost gives up on the question when Julia talks about the parties her parents hosted over the years.

"What animal would you shift into?" Julia shyly offers that she would want to be a cat because they have some much freedom. David wants to be an elephant because of the strength and family bonds.

Only David Budd could convince her to prattle of inane details about travel dreams and possible time travel. At the same time, it is delightful to sit here and learn useful yet beautiful information. There is nothing desperate about this intimacy, and no countdown is ticking away. Nobody looks at them twice in this restaurant filled with new couples on first or second dates. Julia felt her load lessen with every ridiculous scenario, especially when David imagines her debating Winston Churchill over war strategy.  
***

"What do you think about kids?"

"Children in general or your kids in particular?" Julia asks carefully

"Well if we are going to make a go of this relationship in the daylight hours Ella and Charlie will need to be a factor. I was a right dolton when it came to fatherhood and family life for many years. Making and breaking promises. Things need to be different know they are getting older, and all is not with just a cuddle and exotic gift. I risked the last image of me being either a suicide statistic or a fugitive. I'm not going to be like my Da or Uncle - they will know me" David says with the fierce determination that he brought to her protection and PPO work in general.

"You are the most steadfast and loyal person I know. You will build a legacy for them to be proud of David" Julia offers gently with encouraging a smile.

"I want you to be involved in their lives, Julia. It doesn't need to be anything formal, but I won't hide our relationship away like its something shameful and hidden. We've done more than enough of that."

"Children aren't my strength."

She is putting things mildly some of the papers delights in cataloguing her lack of maternal instinct. Luckily Roger felt the same way, and their marriage escaped that complication.

"You are better with people than you give yourself credit for, children are just little people with interests and quirks. They want respect and acknowledgement; kids aren't an exotic subspecies of nature. Nobody works a room like Julia Montague besides Ella is pony mad which is a good start."

"In my eyes, you are a package deal with Vicky and the kids. The first thing we will do is meet Charlie and Ella for ice cream or something" Julia offers with a nervous smile.

***

"Are you going to become a ghost again, disappear in a fruitless search for justice against MI5 and the other operatives?"

Julia hates the insecurity that laces her voice and the tremble she can't hide from the younger man watchful gaze. The question is out before there is time to consider how accusatory it sounds without knowing the context of her nightmares and persistent doubts.

She is being ridiculous David took the train back to London because he promised Charlie and Ella he wouldn't miss their prize-giving ceremony, his daughter is doing particularly well in maths. The former home security has no right to feel the sense of abandonment. She is still snappish and mercurial when he returns beaming with fatherly pride.

"Not bloody likely. My furlough here has pushed the limits of Ann Sampson's goodwill. I wouldn't be surprised if Deepak and Louise have firm instructions to shadow me if I violate protocals, though its better than an ankle bracelet. Even James Bond would struggle out of their surveillance right now."

"But in the future - next time you get the urge to crusade for a liberal cause or the army?" Julia challenges harshly.

"But that's the thing, love. My determination to go so far off the grid nearly got you killed with me framed as a domestic terror suspect - with good reason. I'm going to get to the bottom of the conspiracy but the days of being a long ranger a long gone. Heck, I'm journelling in a thought diary and on the parent help roster at the new school for next year."

"Okay"

Julia tries to take comfort from that statement and consciously softens her posture and tone. It's a surprise when David reaches out and pulls her over to stand beside him.

"I'm not leaving you either - right here is where I choose to be for no other reason than because then you, Julia Montague being here." he annunciates every word with a kiss.

Julia realises that her identity is fundamentally shifting. She is no longer a remote figure who doesn't need mere human connections. Clinging to David like a living security blanket isn't healthy, and she resolves to start the psychological support in earnest. For now, all that matters is that David returns and is willing to sooth such childish fears and tantrums.

***  
"I have a gift for you."

Julia looks up from the clothes she is folding to see a grinning David standing in the doorway; beaming with pleasure as he came to stand at her side. Julia can't help but return the smile more for his enthusiasm than any interest in the details.

Julia Montague is well enough to leave the secluded French Hospital. More importantly, the political situation is deemed stable enough to begin the reintroduction process. Julia and David are meeting Sampson's team in Paris to discuss the logistics and resulting media frenzy.

"Did you finally convince Dr Lee to give you that medication dispenser you were coveting?" Julia asks drily

"Hush you" he whispers against her ear his Scottish accent thick. The combination causes a familiar you stab of desire.

Before Julia can continue their familiar banter, he hands over a small gift, beautifully wrapped with a delicate silver bow. Julia recognises the shop as a jeweller she covets not far out of town. For half a second the former politician worries there is an engagement ring inside before remembering that David is technically still married and she hasn't formally met his kids yet.

"You lost your one in the explosion and took a shine to this style when we visited," David says by way of explanation as she carefully unwraps the corners.

Inside there is a delicate gold watch with a beautifully wrought band and the bright, clear face Julia always prefers in timepieces. It is one of design from a local man with a team of talented apprentices. Julia's wrist is feeling naked without the familiar weight of bracelets. There is a small inscription on the back. Julia needs to admit defeat and a stronger glasses prescription.

"A simple choice." David quotes softly

"Oh, David its stunning" she whispers reverently.

"I thought it would suit the power suits and my Oxford shirts you like to steal" David jokes as he fastens the clasp for her. "It's not the same as an heirloom but..."

Julia stops the clarification with a lingering kiss that quickly escalates. She savours both the novelty of kissing him in daylight and the returning strength that lets her act impulsively without fear of falling over. David pulls back and brushes a tender kiss on her brow.

"Ready to go home?"

"Would it be utterly bizarre if I said no and I'd rather stay here for a while longer?" Julia asks still getting familiar with the concept of sharing innermost feelings so readily."

"Not at all. The hospital is a safe space with familiar routines and people who behave predictably when you are feeling vulnerable and unwell. Once we leave, there is a mountain of decisions to make, life and career. Not to mention the practicality of coming back from the dead to the public at large. I'd be more worried you were full of confidence and hell raising bluster. We still have to go. " David replies as he carefully sorts through her bags.

"You" Julia offers as she traces the watch face tenderly.

"Hmmm?" David is distracted by the sight of two officers coming down the hall, but he turns at the sound of her whispered statement.

"I choose you. Whatever happens next it wouldn't be worth pursuing without you by my side."

They both understand the implications of the words, speaking in circles is practically their private language. Julia still resolves to introduce him to her mother and oldest friends. After all, a choice isn't a choice without being willing to face the consequences without fear or shame.

It feels entirely natural to reach out and grab his hand even as his former colleagues work towards them.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
